I used to be so happy, oh, well, at least I thought I was happy. Then I suddenly felt as if we were drifting apart. We never talked comfortably. We never felt so connected. I have always wondered if I really should, “stupidly” stay loving him.
As I grow older, I have come to realize that being in relationship is a hard work. Even very strong relationships require effort and attention. Inexplicably, it is normal for committed relationships to change over time. The relationship is being surprised with so much of the reality that even how much you try to be so hopeful and positive, you will always get to the point where you will give way to doubts and wonder if you had chosen the better option or the right thing. Romantic beginnings fade at some point. You get to discover so much about each other that maybe only unconditional kind of love can only save you. Well, of course, there must be a mutual willingness to save the relationship. It’s a power-of-two.
Reality is that, NORMAL relationships have their ups and downs, but some problems do not get better on their own and require more than just waiting for the storm to pass. After so many years, I never thought I was growing apart from him. When I felt it happening, I turned to hope. And hope. Then hope. But hope? With how he has treated me, and all other people who has loved him, I can see he’s HOPELESS.
He even made me feel I was so immature to handle our situation. Appallingly, it was him who has a problem within himself. I have been so blind to see how he has been abusing me and so deaf not to hear all the people around me telling me that I have to see the real picture of what I’m into. I never thought I was in hell! I was thinking that maybe when I do my best to make him feel the kind of love I can give him, he would eventually change. But I was wrong. I mean, I WAS STUPID!
I even thought that there were times that WE were trying to reconnect and make up for the times that we were not together. Such as talking about the feelings of distance, stress, and worry, oh but, he always come to be too intelligent to name the problem and blame everything to me. And what about taking some quality time together? Or initiate to cut back time from work to add some time and energy for the relationship? Of course, we both do love our jobs but a bit time from it to save something I thought was important for him won’t even damage a little of the work. But I didn’t know, US don’t exist to him. He has always made me believed that he loved me. Then again, I was wrong. Oooppsss… I mean, I WAS STUPID.
While I was made to believe that, I was trying so hard to work all things out, thinking that I might be able to save US. I was always so focused on figuring out where and how too many emotional shifts may have started. But we never resolved any of it. He always avoid talking about problems and issues. He escapes from all the questions and fixing times which has resulted us to hold on to unconscious anger that maybe did not help to keep us together.
We never really learned things together. We never solved any issue at all. We never answered any doubtful questions in our hearts and minds while being together, at least we thought we were together. He never remembered any good thing about me. Maybe he has underestimated the stress that caused him not to see my presence in his life.
He never really tried as hard as I tried to survive with him. We were always out of tune together. As I reflect on every day that I stayed loving him, I never remembered to hear any loving or comforting words from him. It was always negative.
But we have our own limits on tolerance. Mine has come, not so late, coz I know I did my part…. I did my best. Now, looking at things so clearly, and positively despite of what I have gone through, I know I have grown maturely. It just turned out that he had only made me a better and beautiful person that I am now.
It’s just weird how we go from being strangers…
To being friends.. or not….
To being more than friends.. or not again….
And suddenly..
Back to being practically strangers again….
Hopefully it stays that way.
Coz my heart just woke up.
I AM HAPPY TO BE FREE
